Lay In My Manger

Creating a sturdy home is crucial.
Foundation and Security. Thats sturdiness.

When I was young, every Sunday morning was usually spent in my parents room before getting dressed for Mass. My dad would bring a cup of coffee to his room and right as the clock hit 8AM the cartoons we were watching was then turned to Meet The Press. I have this significant memory of me lying in bed next to my mom. I was about 7 or 8 years old, we were snuggling, and as she was combing her fingers through my hair she says,"I love you so much Mary." I remember looking at her saying, "I love you too mommy." She says back, "but you know who loves you more? Jesus. He loves you more than Mommy and Daddy's love combined." I can recall being so confused and couldn't understand how this Jesus guy who I knew and who is God could love me more than my parents. In that moment I felt a bit of abandonment from my parents, and anger towards this Jesus guy, and yet this comfort in a love that is infinitely greater than the love I receive from my parents.

This memory is one of significance. It was my first encounter with Christ. I began to understand about a life of relationships, forgiveness, love, and protection outside of my earthly parents. Furthermore, this concept of Love. LOVE.

Today. 23 and growing I am still battling this concept of love. That in this Love that's unconditional, I can feel confusion, distance, and at times absence. Perhaps this battle of attempting to understand the concept of Love is Him being Love. The simple, "God is Love. Love is God" is in fact not all that simple. Love to me is a freakin' roller coaster. I desire to love, to be love, to be IN love, to bear love. But love can break, tear, rebuild, destroy. Its a bit scary that today I still am feeling a bit deserted by the Father and His love. Even in the depths of my soul I know his His love for me is endless, but I still can feel so lost and alone. However, His love is continually and ferociously providing security, a foundation, and a sturdy home to rest in. Because. Today. I am tired. so very tired.