Ugly Beauty.

Grief. Something I know all too well.
Is it possible to grieve the loss of self? It is indeed.
And for the few people that read this "live journal" so to speak...I ask you for your bond of silence.
In the Fall of 2005 I began to struggle. A heart wrenching struggle. I became mentally sick. I began to have panic attacks twice and sometimes three times a day. And, if you ever had at least ONE panic attack, you would know that the it can sucks all the energy out of you. These panic attacks led to me having sleepless night and days full of fear. So after 9 months of living in Arizona and the last 3 months of those nine in serious exhaustion, my parents took me home.

I found a Doctor and to this day he is my angel. I was diagnosed with a disease. Bi-polar disease.
He told me to get ready, that the next two years will be hard. I was in remission. Just like cancer, one battles a tumor that no one can see, I too, were about to embark on my own battle. A battle that no one can see. A chemical imbalance that to this day I hate.

One aspect of grief is anger. I can go months without this anger and feel as if I'm not taking medicine at all. Sometimes I can become so angry at this disease because memories flood my mind of going through a year of intense mental suffering. This anger that can be so heavy and tiresome. But, then, there is grace given, and I have a moment where I weep. Literally, silently weep and all I do is feel that emotion. Cry at the loss of my old self. The ironic thing is that I don't even recognize the old Mary. Everything before age 20. I look at pictures and it scares me because I can't even relate to that person.

In the past month, I have been in denial. I still take my medicine and there is no full recovery, so I will always have to take pills morning, noon, and night. But I have done my research on other things that can help the healing and better my life. Sleep. whole grain foods. types of alcohol. how much alcohol.that its okay to say no.to be a healthy selfish. And to listen to your Brain.

And to be honest. I haven't listened at all.

And i am tired. So tired. I am not sleeping well. I am not painting. And I haven't been able to say no to things. I think I feel as though I am going to miss out on "life", but really me saying no is giving me life.

And I. I have rejected the word no.

Today is a moment when anger takes hold of me. Because I have to say no. because I am so tired. So tired of thinking. and so tired of being reminded of my cross.


But I am victorious. and Because of this discovery. I have discovered me. And I have discovered the ugly beauty of the art of feeling.