Perfection in love.

The life I am trying to build is full of culture, knowledge, and one of constant growth. But in this life exists A 24 year old that is stubborn, resentful, grumpy, irritible, and fearful. Sometimes, I walk a fine line where I am confused of why I feel those things. Is it because I am depressed? Or I am moody because about to bleed for seven effing days. The difficult part is trying to balance that line. Sometimes, it could be that i am depressed, but I don't want to give depression that much power. Or is because I am PMSing BIG time and am being a little baby causing all this trouble.

Now that I have set the tone for this blog today let me begin with sharing you a sweet story. I was a big brat one night. Huge one. My sister and I got into a heated discussion and it got pretty loud. My Father asked us to stop 3 times and after the fourth warning he comes done, looks at me, raises his voice and quotes scripture. "Galations 5, Mary!" "You are tearing at the fabric of our family, You are sinning. Go to your room." He shuts my bedroom door, and I am left in my big room by myself. I was so upset, and hurt. Not because of the argument with my sister, but because I had disobeyed my Dad. It was humbly.

I am thankful that my parents have no problem speaking truth into my life using scripture. Sometimes, I roll it off and think...well yeah! you know what mom, i don't want rejoice in the Lord always! Screw it. He sucks. But I am incredibly grateful that my parents speak scripture to build us up. My parents have 6 kids, the oldest 34 and the youngest 16 and they share the Lords word to them and to their friends... My dads harsh scripture verse caused me to repent, to remove my pride, and I sat a cried and apologized to my dad.

The next day my Dad wrote me a letter, here is a bit of how it went. I am so thankful for his insight, his holiness, and his leadership of family.

"do not expect perfection from you; however, I do expect you to seek perfection in love. Life is a journey, a pilgrimage home to the Father's house. You are {all} imperfect in love, as am I. But you need to use the full arsenal of gifts to get there. Be reconcilers, first and always. And come to know your hearts..."Papa Flynn

"The Song Is Still New"

Today I am battling against loneliness. The true realty is that I am far far from being alone.

This is what I read today that brought me peace.

How beautiful it is to seek in history the signs of Trinitarian love; how beautiful it is to follow Jesus and to love his Church; how beautiful it is to see the world and our life in the light of the cross; how beautiful it is to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters!

St Francis and the Cross

"He had begun to question the authenticity of everything that he had experienced so deeply. He doubted the divine origin of the plan he had for his life. These questions and doubts resounded amid an oppressive silence by God. He withdrew from his brothers. He did not want them to see him, since his countenance lacked its customary serenity"

But you Are my Bridegroom.

After my late night post a few days ago that sounded very dramatic, I thought I'd come back and share with you whats really on my mind.

I had a break through. A revelation. A wall crumble.

I am a processor. When I am given time and some serious dissecting of thoughts I eventually have this beautiful encounter with myself. Its like when the Spirit and flesh unite.

While walking with a great friend of mine we began talking about my history with men. AND..I do know however, I write about my longing to be loved and all that sappy bullshit, but at the core its not about a longing at all...

Its my walls. My Great Wall of China.

I have a disease. It will never ever go away. There will be nights that I can't sleep or that I have a fear that will tamper with my mood, my reality. I have an extremely sensitive heart and so it makes it hard for me to filter out the pointless emotion from the crucial and important emotions. There will be seasons where I will be depressed, have panic attacks, and not trust anyone. At age 24 I still at my darkest moment have to wake up my mom and dad and tell them I can't sleep. One of them comes down to my room and I cry and tell them my fears. Usually the first is, How am I going to survive this? I want to quit, I don't think I can fight this anymore...after a good panic cry and some anti anxiety medicine I calm down and go to sleep. The reality is that those moments will not go away. They will happen often and that scares me.

So when it comes to dating, the first two dates are decent, but in the back of my mind my wall is dissecting him and when I don't think he can go the distance I bail. And I bail most of the time. I usually pull the, "eh, your not Catholic" card, but through my year long processing and discovering what my struggle is, I have found it. I have yet to find someone with qualities that are Strong. Concrete. Passionate. Faithful. I know, your probably thinking, "you can't tell on 2 dates" , but my friends, I am constantly reminded of who I am and constantly aware that I need to take care of myself. I need someone who will go the distance because it will be hard. I have yet to meet someone I feel completely open sharing this joyous pain in my heart. Because besides the pain, it is joyful and I am so proud of myself. So proud of knowing who I am within this struggle.

The realization is a simple one. I am afraid that who I date or marry will quit half way. Afraid that I will be alone and misunderstood. Will he get up when I can't sleep and need to cry? Will I feel safe enough to share that with him.

BUT, it has been so FREEING. Freeing to fully understand yet another wall and to let it crumble(slowly of course!)

Thank you Jesus, for revealing your wisdom to me in your right timing.
I know I am difficult and have a hard time excepting your love.
But you are my Bridegroom.
For as a young man marries a virgin, S o shall your sons marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So shall your God rejoice over you.

Humility at its Finest

Its ironic that I just blogged about Discipline and yet tonight I totally fell to my fleshly desires. All I ever have left is me and you. The rough journey ahead is learning how to love me in my epic fail and let you flourish me with your abundant mercy and love.

Humble me.

Discipline

Here is a shout out to all my BP friends!

It is not enough to just have order and routine in your day. You must have order and routine in your life that causes and creates discipline. We need discipline. Discipline to continue on fighting. There have been many days where I want to say screw Im moving to LA or back to Arizona or quit at school because life is hard. Yes, it might take me 6 years to finish college and the feelings of lonliness won't leave me alone. BUT, because I am pushing or have pushed through it, I am building me. I am building a beautiful character that knows how to fight, who needs discipline, order, and routine.

An aching heart.

I have an extremely sensitive heart.
When expectations fly high and are brought down low
I ache.

I have an extremely sensitive heart
When expectations are only filled with disappointment
My heart aches.

I have an extremely sensitive heart.
So don't disappoint, I want my walls to crumble with you.

Fall in love with my sensitive heart.