There have been to many days lately where I have question why I suffer so deeply with this disease. There have been to many days where I am angry or frustrated with this inexhaustible disease. I am beginning to feel depleted and that opens my heart to a whole lot of ugliness. Ugly fear and ugly dignity. I am reminded too often of my old habits, my negative way of thinking and believing in myself, my negative way of thinking of the beauty that resides within my soul.
You know, I am proud of myself, I am proud of the knowledge that I have been given, the teachers that have held my hand, and they are proud of me. The see the success that I am, the example that I am, the leader that I have become. But I have portrayed this perfection in my disease that I once felt totally in control, loving myself, and believing in all that I can accomplish. But I have left no room for imperfection. I feel overwhelmed by this task of perfection. I am easily fearful to say that I can't do it, that I am tired, that my self worth is extremely low, that I feel the wind from the storm that is about to approach and I am scared. I am afraid of letting people down, of admitting that I am having a hard time, I am desperate to just be. To be me in the company of others. I feel lonely.
Lord, I give you this. I give you this pain. Answer me.
Mary, have you ever read Mother Teresa's book, Come Be My Light? I don't know why, but this immediately came to mind when I read your post. If you haven't read it-- do it, immediately! It's the most beautifully moving story of the suffering she went through during MANY years of her life. She felt a complete darkness & disconnect from God, and I feel like you would find some comfort in her words, her wisdom, her pain....know that you are loved, and you are precious! xoxo
ReplyDeleteYes, I have! Thanks!
ReplyDelete