I was thinking about my post about God being the washer and wash board and myself being the sheets. Well, even if you are not a believer in the God, three in one, I believe that if you can get your mindset into believing and experiencing a Higher Power than life will be so much easier. Think about it, If I humbly am aware that there is a higher power, moving me, pulling me, shaping me, then there is a desire to always be pulled, moved, and shaped. I believe in life we are constantly asked to respond to growth and dismiss the lie that there is one moment when we will grow and make sense of life. However, if we are submissive to life, ie, the washer and washboard then life will become 10x more exciting, thrilling, scary, and mysterious.
Today I am excited for life to pull, push, and shape me.
Tomorrow, I will probably hate and be terrified of the pull and push and shape of life.
"The steeper the road, the faster it rises toward ever higher horizons" JP2
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
hosea 2:6
"therefore, behold, i will hedge up her way with thorns, and i will build a wall against her so that she cannot find HER paths...."
Help me remain in your path Lord
Help me remain in your path Lord
Friday, January 21, 2011
Ukraine.
I have this friend in the peace core. He is finishing his PC term this May and heading back to the states. He currently lives in a small village in Ukraine. His village is so tiny. He was telling me the journey he has to take to see the doctor. He has to walk 15 minutes to a road, hitch hike 20km to a bus station, take a 2 hour bus ride to a train station, where he has to wait 3 hours until he can get on a 10 hour train ride to the city where his doctors appointment is. The train is not like the typical euro rail. He is in an open train cart with cots and blankets and all sorts of men and women, young and old.
He also was telling me that in this village he has no washer and dryer which means he has to hand wash every article of clothing. Can you imagine washing jeans? I asked him if he has a washing board. He laughs and says he wish he has one! No washing board? He uses two large buckets of hot water, his hands, and soap. One particular conversation he was getting ready for bed and saying that he was really excited to sleep because he washed his sheets! SHEEESSH! Can you imagine washing sheets by hand?
This past week I was having a hard day. I went to the gym and ran a mile and left. I just felt my soul entangled and I had this sense that I needed to go and have a prayer time. I went to grab a coffee and write and read my bible. I have been feeling frustrated because I love the Lord, but I really have felt that I haven't seen His work in my life. I mean, I know he is at work, but I have distinct desires that I just feel go unnoticed. And, as I wrote, I don't see where your at work in my life, I thought of sean. I thought about him washing his sheets and how much work washing sheets by hand are. I had a sense that the Lord was the washboard and washer and I was the sheets. He was working the sheets. Rubbing the sheets against the washboard, getting all the dirt, all the stains out, and ringing out all the excess water.
I felt in that exact moment Christ telling me he was at work. And he is still at work and that he was making me clean so that my truest desires may happen. This also showed me that he is present. It was such a beautiful vision of his hands at work. literally.
It makes me thankful for reconnecting with sean and hearing his stories because Christ was able to work through him to show me love and wisdom.
He also was telling me that in this village he has no washer and dryer which means he has to hand wash every article of clothing. Can you imagine washing jeans? I asked him if he has a washing board. He laughs and says he wish he has one! No washing board? He uses two large buckets of hot water, his hands, and soap. One particular conversation he was getting ready for bed and saying that he was really excited to sleep because he washed his sheets! SHEEESSH! Can you imagine washing sheets by hand?
This past week I was having a hard day. I went to the gym and ran a mile and left. I just felt my soul entangled and I had this sense that I needed to go and have a prayer time. I went to grab a coffee and write and read my bible. I have been feeling frustrated because I love the Lord, but I really have felt that I haven't seen His work in my life. I mean, I know he is at work, but I have distinct desires that I just feel go unnoticed. And, as I wrote, I don't see where your at work in my life, I thought of sean. I thought about him washing his sheets and how much work washing sheets by hand are. I had a sense that the Lord was the washboard and washer and I was the sheets. He was working the sheets. Rubbing the sheets against the washboard, getting all the dirt, all the stains out, and ringing out all the excess water.
I felt in that exact moment Christ telling me he was at work. And he is still at work and that he was making me clean so that my truest desires may happen. This also showed me that he is present. It was such a beautiful vision of his hands at work. literally.
It makes me thankful for reconnecting with sean and hearing his stories because Christ was able to work through him to show me love and wisdom.
Monday, January 17, 2011
"A tree in a story about a Forest"
Praise the Lord. Lord I give you my life, my suffering, my joy. Help me to be content in both. You are my King, My living water, My ruler.
"I was tree in a story about a forest, and that it was arrogant of me to believe any differently. And he told me the story of the forest is better than the story of the tree."
"And [so I ask] God to help me understand the story of the forest and what it meant to be a tree in that story."
Lord, you are a beautiful writer. I want to rejoice in you.
"I was tree in a story about a forest, and that it was arrogant of me to believe any differently. And he told me the story of the forest is better than the story of the tree."
"And [so I ask] God to help me understand the story of the forest and what it meant to be a tree in that story."
Lord, you are a beautiful writer. I want to rejoice in you.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Giving Him an Opportunity.
I think I've been pretty angry lately. And I think the anger is stemmed from my favorite companion: FEAR. Sense the sarcasm?
This past Friday was my appointment with my doctor. And the week building up to this appointment is always a hard week. It feels like another job, a mental job.
I have to be complete self aware.
In the Catholic church before going to confession this prayer called the examination of conscience and this examination takes the person through the 10 commandments and helps us reflect in areas where we have sinned. It is very help and humbling. And by the time I enter the confessional booth, I am very aware of areas of weakness and growth that need to be addressed and affirmed.
Going to to see Dr. G is like going to confession. I am a lot more excited about going to see him and talking to him then going to the confessional. There is something so beautiful about this man. I would say there have been 3 major spiritual Fathers in my life: John Paul 11, My own father, and Dr. G. They are each guiding me into a world where I can be the best me.
This hard week was filled with examination of my mental health. I think about this meeting. I think about what I need to talk about. I think about what I am afraid to talk about. Mostly, I want to appear that I am happy and life is so great! But, to take care of me and my lovely brain, I have to think about what is not great. How I would like to describe how I feel or what I feel like. I have to ask myself: How depressed have I been? One a scale number 1-10, 10 being the worst. Where there certain times in the day that I have been more depressed? What have I been eating? Have I been eating enough whole grains? Have I excersized enough? Have I had enough sunlight? Have I drank to much alcohol for the week or drinking too much caffine? These questions are easy to go through. I go through them everyday for the week prior to my appointment.
But the worst, the worst thing to address is how they make me feel. So much of depression is feeling. And most of the time I am ashamed of the things I feel. And usually the feeling comes from something I think of. And because the feeling is always conflicting my truest reality that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am okay, I am safe, I am loved.
The meeting I went to, I was selfish. I waited 50 minutes and I left. I left because I was impatient and I was getting mad. He was seeing someone before me and I knew that he would never make me wait if it wasn't important. It was a crisis.
I thought about myself and when I first met Dr G. He had a 3 hour meeting with me. I was in a crisis. A serious one. He was so tender and loving.
How unfair and human of me to be impatient and mad.
But, I walked away realizing that I am afraid. I need to trust him and life. I need to trust that God, who is my loving Father, has and will provide and protect me.
I just need to give him opportunities to show.
This past Friday was my appointment with my doctor. And the week building up to this appointment is always a hard week. It feels like another job, a mental job.
I have to be complete self aware.
In the Catholic church before going to confession this prayer called the examination of conscience and this examination takes the person through the 10 commandments and helps us reflect in areas where we have sinned. It is very help and humbling. And by the time I enter the confessional booth, I am very aware of areas of weakness and growth that need to be addressed and affirmed.
Going to to see Dr. G is like going to confession. I am a lot more excited about going to see him and talking to him then going to the confessional. There is something so beautiful about this man. I would say there have been 3 major spiritual Fathers in my life: John Paul 11, My own father, and Dr. G. They are each guiding me into a world where I can be the best me.
This hard week was filled with examination of my mental health. I think about this meeting. I think about what I need to talk about. I think about what I am afraid to talk about. Mostly, I want to appear that I am happy and life is so great! But, to take care of me and my lovely brain, I have to think about what is not great. How I would like to describe how I feel or what I feel like. I have to ask myself: How depressed have I been? One a scale number 1-10, 10 being the worst. Where there certain times in the day that I have been more depressed? What have I been eating? Have I been eating enough whole grains? Have I excersized enough? Have I had enough sunlight? Have I drank to much alcohol for the week or drinking too much caffine? These questions are easy to go through. I go through them everyday for the week prior to my appointment.
But the worst, the worst thing to address is how they make me feel. So much of depression is feeling. And most of the time I am ashamed of the things I feel. And usually the feeling comes from something I think of. And because the feeling is always conflicting my truest reality that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am okay, I am safe, I am loved.
The meeting I went to, I was selfish. I waited 50 minutes and I left. I left because I was impatient and I was getting mad. He was seeing someone before me and I knew that he would never make me wait if it wasn't important. It was a crisis.
I thought about myself and when I first met Dr G. He had a 3 hour meeting with me. I was in a crisis. A serious one. He was so tender and loving.
How unfair and human of me to be impatient and mad.
But, I walked away realizing that I am afraid. I need to trust him and life. I need to trust that God, who is my loving Father, has and will provide and protect me.
I just need to give him opportunities to show.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Living in life Lessons.
My whole life I have always been the girl that is fun and cool. I always have been the middle man for my guy friends to get to my girlfriends. I have always been the communicator. The one to forgive quickly and let things roll off. I thought thats what was good and made me, well, me. In the long run, 6 months shy of turning 25 I am finding that being just the fun and cool girl has brought insane amounts of insecurities in my life.
It frustrates me because the moment this fun and cool girl decides to feel something more, she is easily rejected. I mean, so easily rejected. You would think that after repeated times of rejection I would learn a lesson, but instead I am just livin in my life lessons and that has become suffocating. I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to be the fun and cool girl AND wanted. Wanted to stick around, to spend time with...etc.
This rejection hurts. I mean, so many times. seriously. and after so many times of giving myself in my full authenticity of friendship and honesty. My trust is running thin.
Perhaps its the difficulty that I am the only one in my family besides little joe that doesn't know what it means to be wanted or desired. My brother just got married after only dating the girl for a year. My sister Katie brought home her 3rd serious boyfriend and without a doubt they will get married. And then, its the 24 year girl who hasn't ever seen a good looking man in the pew at her church for the past ummm 4 years. It fucking sucks and yeah, I am a bit angry. And sure, of course the Lord has a plan, and being patient is a good thing. But I am human and I do have human insecurities.
I am going to rock it being the fun and cool girl and thats it.
And I am going to try to not live in life lessons.
It frustrates me because the moment this fun and cool girl decides to feel something more, she is easily rejected. I mean, so easily rejected. You would think that after repeated times of rejection I would learn a lesson, but instead I am just livin in my life lessons and that has become suffocating. I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to be the fun and cool girl AND wanted. Wanted to stick around, to spend time with...etc.
This rejection hurts. I mean, so many times. seriously. and after so many times of giving myself in my full authenticity of friendship and honesty. My trust is running thin.
Perhaps its the difficulty that I am the only one in my family besides little joe that doesn't know what it means to be wanted or desired. My brother just got married after only dating the girl for a year. My sister Katie brought home her 3rd serious boyfriend and without a doubt they will get married. And then, its the 24 year girl who hasn't ever seen a good looking man in the pew at her church for the past ummm 4 years. It fucking sucks and yeah, I am a bit angry. And sure, of course the Lord has a plan, and being patient is a good thing. But I am human and I do have human insecurities.
I am going to rock it being the fun and cool girl and thats it.
And I am going to try to not live in life lessons.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
FU
2011.
Stared off with a bang. Not. A guy kissed me. I really thought he was interested. Honestly. I did. I have never had someone kiss me before on the New Years, and he seemed different. You know, he went to Vintage Faith, I would see him here and there with different groups and so on. He kissed me, and then we kissed a lot. But then when I asked him what that meant he basically said its hard to not be physical when its with someone as fun and cool as you, but lets keep it friends.
I'm sorry, Really? Are you pulling the fun and cool card that I have heard so many times in my life? When has fun and cool become so boring and uninteresting? I am different, cut the bullshit, and give it to me straight. You are too little of a boy to be man enough to tell me you fucked up.
Its so weird. I remember growing up and hearing an argument my Dad and older sister had about men, and my sister yelled, "men are dogs!" And my dad was so offended and hurt and basically they got into a huge fight. I never ever understood my sister and why she would say that..BUT, now I do. Men are dogs. They hurt. They sting. They burn every goodness and honesty that exists within the heart of a woman UNTIL you meet that fun and faithful guy that doesn't see you has just a fun and cool girl, but wants to keep you and never loses sight of you and imagines all the adventures one can have with another. And lastly, never wants to lose sight of you because you two will help each other grow to holiness and get to Heaven.
Lessons to Men:
Im not just cool, or fun.
I am not just a friend, or okay with just being friends
Don't ever kiss me unless you mean it to be more.
Even though I am easily fooled, Don't fool me.
I am quick to forgive, but i do feel my heart hardening.
(And just has your sister is basically boning someone on the lastest video from Enrique and how much that bothers you, imagine me telling my brothers of the foolish things you did. They would kick your ass.)
Cheers to 2011. Jesus. I have no where else to go except to you.
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