Beauty

"The Spirit scrutinizes everything, even the depths of God." 1 Cor

haunting fear

I'm taking this Philosophy class called, The Ways Of Knowing.

I should have realized this but intelligence scares me. AND, in this class I read things that are intellectually challenging therefore, I am scared.

I believe I have created this wall of protection that I am okay with not knowing. I limit my own capability of going beyond my fears of knowing. I think Im afraid of the experience. In high school I was surrounded by teenagers who were ADDHD, depressed, anxious, bipolar...etc and can clearly remember me turning my eyes from them or feeling "bad" for them as if we could not "relate" at all. Well, "them" has become my family and just like my own nuclear family, I constantly battle letting them close to me, forgiving, or living them.

You see, I knew what a mental illness was, i read all about it, but when experiencing the mental illness, it takes anyone to a whole new level of knowing. Today, the argument of the Philosopher Russell was, "In order to have knowledge we need to be able to tell the difference between a hallucination and perception." When I was in the thick of my illness, I was conflicted with reality and what was happening to me. Bipolar sickness was a tormenting time because your perception becomes altered...and your mind becomes overloaded with thoughts and eventually you experience hallucinations, but with medicine those hallucinations become extinct. The fear haunts me, the fear that my brain will be beyond my control again and that I will be scared again, scared of me....terrified of my own ability to think. So, with lots of therapy, art, and writing as my outlet, the mourning of my loss of self is decreasing, but is so ever present. Sometimes I'm thankful and some times I weep at this discovery in me. This is my reality. It is me. An ugly thing that is beautiful.

Dear The Ways of Knowing, please be ever so gentle to me.

Be content.

"here are two dispositions you must never lose sight of if you would make progress and at the same time remain at peace. For the moment, be content with what you are, and you will find joy and peace, since you already possess God, although maybe imperfectly. Bear with yourself as you are; give simply, but fully, what you have. "

I am fixed on you.

Here I am. I made it. I made it to an actual University. Although, CSUMB is quite smaller than the countless numbers of uni's and colleges in California, CSUMB is perfect for me. Of course, I'm a bit overwhelmed and lost on how this whole thing works, phyically exhausted because of the early mornings, a long commutes, and lastly, emotionally exhausted from being in this moment. I have to admit, Im a little teary-eyed at the fact that I made it here. The last four years have been filled with lamenting, discovering, hating, loving, rejoicing in my struggles as a young woman who has failed and conquered. Selfishly, I am so proud of myself that I have trusted my God and my disease to really lead me. I have freely conformed, but have never been defined by invisible pain.

SO, CSUMB, I am terrified how i will manage you. In the meantime, I give praise Him for giving me a drive that shows me Your beauty and the smell ocean and wind that can never be replaced.

Lord, I give you me. I am fixed on you.

Today, This is my story.

‎"And he arose came to his Father. But while he was yet at a distance, his Father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." Luke 15:20

In my prayer time, this is the first scripture I read. This scripture reminds me of my true reality. I am ferocious loved and I don't need to go to Him clean...He comes to me and takes me before Im even half way there.

Amen.

The fifth wheel

This is my story. Currently, I am a 24 year woman who is trying to understand and increase her wisedom about life. In between all of that I am a 24 year old woman who has a story, a deep passion to love the human condition, and a massive, yet radiant valley of insecurites. I might not be the best at telling a story or a joke, I might not be the best at writing or using the more elaborat words(Im okay using words like big, small, dumb, pretty) to get my point across, and you know, I don't need answers to everything, Im okay with not knowing. But this is my story today.

Not one person has called to ask me to do something. It has to be me to call to make a connection...Boy friends, girlfriends,fiance's, families, dogs. I hate the days when no one calls.

Martha

Do You see me.
Loving service going unnoticed.
Lonely in my deep chartiy.
Lonely in my ways to honor.
Worthy of significance.

Transformed for a moment
of understanding and wisdom.

Come. Wait. Listen.

I see the beauty of everything you are.


Luke 10:38-42
Martha and Mary offered hospitality to their friend Jesus, a respected but somewhat controversial Jewish rabbi. Mary sat and listened to him as he talked, but Martha objected to the fact that she was left with all the work. Jesus told Martha not to worry about small things, but to concentrate on what was important

Attention!: Painting is better in person...photo gives no justice.
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Martha.
Do You see me.
Loving service going unnoticed.
Lonely in my deep chartiy.
Lonely in my ways to honor.
Worthy of significance.

Transformed for a moment
of understanding and wisdom.

Come. Wait. Listen.

I see the beauty of everything you are.


Luke 10:38-42
Martha and Mary offered hospitality to their friend Jesus, a respected but somewhat controversial Jewish rabbi. Mary sat and listened to him as he talked, but Martha objected to the fact that she was left with all the work. Jesus told Martha not to worry about small things, but to concentrate on what was important

Attention!: Painting is better in person...photo gives no justice.