Snookie and Whores.

What has my life come to...?
After I stuffed myself with slices of awful pizza made from the Parish for super bowl, I come and sit in my bed only to find that watching disgusting reality t.v. shows would comfort my single lonely self. So, what do I do? I obviously grab another disgusting slice of pizza and walk to my room with no plate or napkin in hand. I sit underneath my blankets, open my baby mac, and type www.mtv.com. I find that watching the jersey shore on an evening by myself ACTUALLY boosts my confidence. I mean, who is snookie any way? She is real. She is such an idiot, and instead of feeling bad for myself for being alone on super bowl with no plans, I suddenly feel great about who I am. I begin to feel bad for her. The fact that I am letting pizza crumbs fall into my sheets(eeww) says it all: life is young and I am cool. Thank you JS and the Snooksters.
On another note:
One time, recently, I went out for a night of drinking and mingling. I wear this red hot lipstick. It was a fun night for sure. My dad the next morning thinks its okay to come barging in my dark quiet peaceful room to begin to tell me he wants to let me know that we need to have financial meeting. He looked shell shocked. A. I was annoyed that he came in so early. B. No daughter wants to hear their Father desiring to have a financial meeting. Anyways, An hour or so I woke up went to the bathroom and was shell shocked too. Looked at myself in the mirror. GOOD GOD. Stained lips are the trashiest thing ever. IN ONE night of lipstick wearing, I the next morning, could have easliy been classified as a WHORE. Awesome.

Dear Man

In a world of increasing pressures to have sex casually, I have yet to surrender. I was thinking about this pressure and this realization that I am the only one I know here in my friendships that is not sexually active. For a while, actually so far in my 24th year, this has brought me so many insecurities as a woman. Questioning why I haven't as if it defines my woman-ness. I bought into a lie that whispers to me that I would be more of a woman if I had sex. Because that means, I am wanted.

Its a sad realization that this is a pressure that the material world presses on woman though reality T.V. shows, magazines, and the bar scene. I didn't realize how hurt I have been by this pressure and how much it has been in the forefront of my mind that I am nothing because I have never been in love or loved intimately.

I have been emotional in love before, I think. It wasn't good and I thought the only way to fix this is to obviously have sex, but I never went through with it. So, I guess I have never been in love.

I have dated and been physical with guys that I have really liked, but I have never felt the call and challenge through them to be the best woman I could be. I never felt the call to be grow in holiness because a man has never expected that from me. Well, that has changed and if he is only in my life to teach me that lesson then so be it. But I hope it is something more.

Lets call this man. Man.

Dear Man, You make me want to be the best Mary. You make me desire holiness more and you have no idea.

Lord. give me the patience. Thank you for teaching me a lesson that I am valued for my daily attempts at holiness and please put a fire under his ass.
Amen.

Submissive

I was thinking about my post about God being the washer and wash board and myself being the sheets. Well, even if you are not a believer in the God, three in one, I believe that if you can get your mindset into believing and experiencing a Higher Power than life will be so much easier. Think about it, If I humbly am aware that there is a higher power, moving me, pulling me, shaping me, then there is a desire to always be pulled, moved, and shaped. I believe in life we are constantly asked to respond to growth and dismiss the lie that there is one moment when we will grow and make sense of life. However, if we are submissive to life, ie, the washer and washboard then life will become 10x more exciting, thrilling, scary, and mysterious.

Today I am excited for life to pull, push, and shape me.

Tomorrow, I will probably hate and be terrified of the pull and push and shape of life.

"The steeper the road, the faster it rises toward ever higher horizons" JP2

hosea 2:6

"therefore, behold, i will hedge up her way with thorns, and i will build a wall against her so that she cannot find HER paths...."

Help me remain in your path Lord

Ukraine.

I have this friend in the peace core. He is finishing his PC term this May and heading back to the states. He currently lives in a small village in Ukraine. His village is so tiny. He was telling me the journey he has to take to see the doctor. He has to walk 15 minutes to a road, hitch hike 20km to a bus station, take a 2 hour bus ride to a train station, where he has to wait 3 hours until he can get on a 10 hour train ride to the city where his doctors appointment is. The train is not like the typical euro rail. He is in an open train cart with cots and blankets and all sorts of men and women, young and old.

He also was telling me that in this village he has no washer and dryer which means he has to hand wash every article of clothing. Can you imagine washing jeans? I asked him if he has a washing board. He laughs and says he wish he has one! No washing board? He uses two large buckets of hot water, his hands, and soap. One particular conversation he was getting ready for bed and saying that he was really excited to sleep because he washed his sheets! SHEEESSH! Can you imagine washing sheets by hand?

This past week I was having a hard day. I went to the gym and ran a mile and left. I just felt my soul entangled and I had this sense that I needed to go and have a prayer time. I went to grab a coffee and write and read my bible. I have been feeling frustrated because I love the Lord, but I really have felt that I haven't seen His work in my life. I mean, I know he is at work, but I have distinct desires that I just feel go unnoticed. And, as I wrote, I don't see where your at work in my life, I thought of sean. I thought about him washing his sheets and how much work washing sheets by hand are. I had a sense that the Lord was the washboard and washer and I was the sheets. He was working the sheets. Rubbing the sheets against the washboard, getting all the dirt, all the stains out, and ringing out all the excess water.

I felt in that exact moment Christ telling me he was at work. And he is still at work and that he was making me clean so that my truest desires may happen. This also showed me that he is present. It was such a beautiful vision of his hands at work. literally.

It makes me thankful for reconnecting with sean and hearing his stories because Christ was able to work through him to show me love and wisdom.

"A tree in a story about a Forest"

Praise the Lord. Lord I give you my life, my suffering, my joy. Help me to be content in both. You are my King, My living water, My ruler.

"I was tree in a story about a forest, and that it was arrogant of me to believe any differently. And he told me the story of the forest is better than the story of the tree."

"And [so I ask] God to help me understand the story of the forest and what it meant to be a tree in that story."


Lord, you are a beautiful writer. I want to rejoice in you.

Giving Him an Opportunity.

I think I've been pretty angry lately. And I think the anger is stemmed from my favorite companion: FEAR. Sense the sarcasm?

This past Friday was my appointment with my doctor. And the week building up to this appointment is always a hard week. It feels like another job, a mental job.

I have to be complete self aware.

In the Catholic church before going to confession this prayer called the examination of conscience and this examination takes the person through the 10 commandments and helps us reflect in areas where we have sinned. It is very help and humbling. And by the time I enter the confessional booth, I am very aware of areas of weakness and growth that need to be addressed and affirmed.

Going to to see Dr. G is like going to confession. I am a lot more excited about going to see him and talking to him then going to the confessional. There is something so beautiful about this man. I would say there have been 3 major spiritual Fathers in my life: John Paul 11, My own father, and Dr. G. They are each guiding me into a world where I can be the best me.

This hard week was filled with examination of my mental health. I think about this meeting. I think about what I need to talk about. I think about what I am afraid to talk about. Mostly, I want to appear that I am happy and life is so great! But, to take care of me and my lovely brain, I have to think about what is not great. How I would like to describe how I feel or what I feel like. I have to ask myself: How depressed have I been? One a scale number 1-10, 10 being the worst. Where there certain times in the day that I have been more depressed? What have I been eating? Have I been eating enough whole grains? Have I excersized enough? Have I had enough sunlight? Have I drank to much alcohol for the week or drinking too much caffine? These questions are easy to go through. I go through them everyday for the week prior to my appointment.

But the worst, the worst thing to address is how they make me feel. So much of depression is feeling. And most of the time I am ashamed of the things I feel. And usually the feeling comes from something I think of. And because the feeling is always conflicting my truest reality that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am okay, I am safe, I am loved.

The meeting I went to, I was selfish. I waited 50 minutes and I left. I left because I was impatient and I was getting mad. He was seeing someone before me and I knew that he would never make me wait if it wasn't important. It was a crisis.

I thought about myself and when I first met Dr G. He had a 3 hour meeting with me. I was in a crisis. A serious one. He was so tender and loving.
How unfair and human of me to be impatient and mad.

But, I walked away realizing that I am afraid. I need to trust him and life. I need to trust that God, who is my loving Father, has and will provide and protect me.

I just need to give him opportunities to show.