Painting and Loving.

Today my history professor brings up that last night he read his students bio's for this class and came upon a student that said their hobby was painting and loving. The whole entire class started to laugh and he continued to say that he just started laughing out loud and told the class it "was awesome. Painting and Loving. Who would write that because... my friends... that rocks?"

Me.
I wrote that.

Its true, I love to love a friend, a family member, a boy I like, a stranger, the kids I nanny. It is a great virtue and its depth is endless. Loving, a hobby that is never unsatisfying and something that can never be mastered-once you think you've discovered the core of love, there's just a whole new core waiting to be found.

Lay and Wait for Him.

THERE IS THIS URGE.
ITS PROMPTING MY SOUL.
ITS PULSATING.STIRRING.
ITS READY TO JUMP.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
GET READY FOR THE RIDE.

LOVE HAS ARRIVED.
A SACRED VISION
AN ENDLESS THOUGHT
A TREASURE.
A NEW WINE IN AN OLD WINESKIN.

STOPPED.
BLOCKED.
CORKED.
WITHHELD.

Detool Yourself.

Douche Bags.
Oh. they are there.
Loud and Clear.

They have so many tools. My question is would they like a tool bag for all the tools they have?
Or.
Can I help you throw some of those old overly used tools out.

Cause. I could possibly like you, but will never know with all that douche bag baggage.

Don't Let Your Hearts Be Troubled.

Awake, O Sleeper.
Arise From Slumber
Christ is Calling Your Name.

Most days there are times where a part of my little soul feels unnoticed, lonely, and forgotten. There are many days where I question His hand in my life. Does He really have a plan? Is everything I have chosen to firmly believe in a lie?
There is such beauty in feeling and questioning and reveals our humanity to the core. To me, it reveals that we cannot survive on our own. There will always be a feeling of wanting more, questioning more and never being satisfied.

Even in my darkest hours, my most broken moments,and ruthless fighting, I can choose. Choose to Awake. I can choose to say yes. Choose to ARISE. I can choose to ARISE from my fears and loneliness. ARISE from my brokenness. I can choose to ARISE in my joys and failures. I can choose ARISE in my questions. I can choose to ARISE in the hope that springs forth. I can choose to ARISE in my desire of wanting more.
Because...As much as I run away, having no faith, doubting His name and place in my life. He. He is calling my name. Our names. So friends, I invite you to AWAKE from your sleep, ARISE from your slumber. He is endlessly calling our name.

Album: We are Beggers
Song: Awake, O Sleeper
Artist:Ike Ndolo.

Can't seem to get it right today.

So. I have this problem. Actually its not a problem, but more so I'm rhythmically challenged. But first, I want to clarify that I enjoy and appreciate all music and when introduced to a new band I love to close my eyes, take a breath, listen and feel the music move through my bones..its just so expressive and moving. You will often find me at the local coffee shop, the Verve, studying or talking with friends and then suddenly stop and attempt to soak up the lyrics and sound.

My problem is I can never seem to remember the artist, but more importantly the lyrics. I'm usually two seconds behind the song and I usually know only half the lyric. Its great. Because you know, I'm committed. Most of my friends laugh about it and think its a corky aspect of who I am...But you know? I will sing that song not knowing the lyrics or the melody and thoroughly enjoy it even though I can't get it right.

This is who I am. Committed. Long Lasting. Faithful. And going to make it to the end.

Count it.

(Can't seem to get it right today-Joe Purdy)

Pictures of Success.

Fear is an ugly spirit. Its pointless, deceiving, a destroyer. Fear can easily rule our lives and seeps in like a violent snake ready to bite and snatch our tiny moments of victories and failures in our most vulnerable times.

I close my eyes and see these pictures of success that I have for myself. Finishing school, traveling the world, being authentic, honest, forgiving, find love and be love. I say, I want my life to be about shedding and sharing, eager for all of it, but really behind these eyes is fear. Im really afraid. Afraid to step into that water because stepping is me letting go with the utmost confidence leaving room for failure, rejection, and hurt.

Here's who I really am.

I'm just a little girl barely able to hold on to my Fathers finger and that's okay.

Love Mary, Love for Loves sake.

Lads and Lass's

Today I wrote a letter. It was an authentic letter. Freeing. I did something that I never would have done. I wasn't going to write the letter and just let it fade way into life; the life of Mary with people who come and go and leave a stamp. But today. Today I let that stamp free.

I think the gift, aspect, spirit of love is something we will never understand. We will never fully understand its depth, its sacredness, its beauty. But today someone said, "Mary.... love, for love sake." " To love is not waiting for someone else to respond, but what love is, is giving, its about fearlessly being vulnerable, giving yourself with no expectation." So today friends, I gave my feelings selflessly, letting them enter into this huge world that can be so terrifying and belittling.

But you know what makes my love different?

Its freeing, full of life, ready to give and steadfast.

Press on.

I don't dream often, but when I do, my dreams always tend to be very intense and very visual.They seem to reflect a feeling or moment in my life. Well, I had a dream last night and it goes like this:

I was driving home from my nanny job. (Now, in real life driving home from work is always a time to ponder.) It was very stormy outside with intense winds, and small little branches were on the road and leafs everywhere. I was noticing the way how the strong and powerful wind was moving and how the rain was coming down. I came upon a part of the road that was flooded with water. So flooded, it was questionable to drive through without getting stuck. All I thought about was how I wanted to get home. So, I took a risk and with a bit of anxiety and hopefulness, I made it through. As I was about to continue on with my drive home a lady was walking. She was emotional, distraught. She shouted to me not to go on, that her car got stuck and she was going to get help. I remember looking at her and saying okay, thank you. I just had this feeling of wanting to be home. I pressed forward expecting another part of the road to be flooded. I had this sad feeling, this lonely feeling, this helpless feeling driving. I came upon the second part of the road that was flooded and with fearful eyes I took a big risk and began to attempt to make it across to the damp road that was about 10ft away. I made it half way. My car became stuck. The water rises and begins to seep through. I get out and with water at my waste, I start to walk towards the part of road that is safe. I remember trying so hard to make it. Giving up was not an option. I was so tired. With lots of work, I made it to the road. I was exhausted. tired. but I was home. I made it. I made it through the storm.

I'm 23years old with my own storm. Yesterday, I wanted to throw in the towel, curl up in bed and run away to find joy. But today. Today, I am making it through my storm. I am not giving up. I will not give up. I may be tired and wonder when it will be my turn, but for today I am my own victory.

To you, I say. Make it. Push. Fight. through your storm. Lets be hope for each other.

Lion's Mane

Iron and Wine says it best.

....and love is a tired symphony
you hum when you're awake
and love is a crying baby
mama warned you not to shake
and love's the best sensation
hiding in the lion's mane

so i'll clear the road, the gravel
and the thornbush in your path
that burns a scented oil
that i'll drip into your bath
the water's there to warm you
and the earth is warmer when you laugh

and love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane


Iron and wine.

Sweetest down fall.

I finally realized why I don't like black and white mediums. One of my greatest joys is expression. I express myself in writting, painting,or photography. I find it difficult to express myself in black and white. For me, there is no connection to feeling. No complexity. Life is messy. I am messy. Its chaotic. Not simple. Color is beauty. All different lights and shades can express something so significant or small. Life is abstract. Color has light. Fire. Pizazz!

I fail at times to communicate my emotions and feelings. I become wrapped up in my thoughts or try to figure out the right way to act... when really, all I want to do is just go for it, take the ride, feel the adventure. And when I miss it. I become my own sweetest down fall.

I fail. I am flawed, complex human being, but I am a sweet ride with twist and turns, ups and downs, victories, and mistakes. I am a sweet down fall.

No More Apologizing.

Relationships. Never had a serious one.
Never yet even been called a girlfriend before.
Its cool.

No, actually it bothers me. Its probably one of my biggest insecurities and I have a serious fear that I will be alone in life. All those who read this and say, "but your so young" or "you have so much time" that's not fair. It is human nature to want to be desired and have a partner. I feel sometimes that I'm stuck. I'm a girl that has a lot of guy friends, who can sit and enjoy a beer while talking mindless sporting events that I'm somewhat familiar with. I always say, girls, we are crazy. We are emotional, confusing, needy, and complicated. We never say what we want, we beat around the bush expecting the other one to catch on and when they don't, we get mad. I've grown up watching my two older brothers deal with woman, who's emotions and action seemed outrageous. I have noticed that when I end up talking with boys about relationships I'd sarcastically apologize for our odd and crazy behavior because it is ridiculous and silly.
You know, "bitches be crazy."


While driving with my brother John downtown to celebrate his day of birth, he noticed I was being snappy and short with him. He goes, "Mer, whats up?" I told him I was upset about a situation that involves a male. I told him I was frustrated with myself because I am acting like a girl andI don't want to be acting or feeling these "ridiculous and silly" things. Instead, I wanted to suck it up, ignore them like I'm all tough. I told him I couldn't and I realized these "ridiculous and silly" feelings that cause an annoying girlie behavior is just one more beautiful dimension of a life with a woman.

Here's the point of my story:

This is who I will always be and there will be no more apologizing for my/our behavior. Because as frustrating and confusing it is.....it really is a gift. A gift to a man. An opportunity for a man. An invitation. An invitation to come rescue and hold us. Because in the end. We are a team.

Ravish Me.

The gift of writing has seemed to dwindle down into lost generation where people don't know great writers like John Keats or John Donne(I don't have a thing for John's). I wrote this paper once about John Donne's 'Holy Sonnet 14.' I was drawn to it because it is raw. I could feel his exact emotion and unite it with my own. Its words are still alive.

I admire his ability to share his confusion, struggle, and disconnection with a higher being. And in this case, God the father. Often times in moments of despair I run away, disown, cut off, retreat, go into my fetal position rejecting anything of him and go on my way. But then there are those moments when I simply can't go anywhere else. I come to him as simple as a daughter who is flawed, broken, lost, and confused. A daughter who ignores the love that is indescribable, infinite, and impossible to fully understand.

John Donne sheds himself. He doesn't hide any emotion and reveals his deepest struggles and desires. I want that. I want my life to be full of shedding and sharing. I want my life to not live by, "if only I could" or "if only i did that." I want to feel the twist and turns of life. I want realness. I want to close my eyes and feel the freshness of a new day, a new life, and new decisions. I want to dine with others, I want to hear their stories, I want to validate their questions and fears, for that only make us more human and fraternal.

Holy Sonnet 14

So cheers to John Donne for inspiring and encouraging me.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

-John Donne

Stay the Path.

To Turn. To Take.
To Take A Risk.
To Turn. To
Wonder. Wonder
What it feels like.
That light breeze
Upon your face.
That Freshness.
Anew. When.
Waiting. To Dive.
Dive into a a Pool
of Unknowns
Fearless. Trust.
Honesty. Soaking
Up Each Moment.
Let yourself go.
Move. Stir.
Grasp. To be
Still. Just being.
Be. To Pour.
Pouring yourself.
Giving. Shedding.
Raw. Authentic.
Alive. Whole. Me.
To Let Go.
Freedom. To Be
Full of Abundance.
Bountiful.
To Bask in the Joy
Of that Feeling.
Be Unashamed.
Loud. Strong.
To Walk in Grace.
Grace. To Be.
Peaceful. To Know.
To Believe in IT.
Patience. To
Breathe. To Hope.
To Hope in You. To Love.
Love that pushes you to Wait.
Turn. Love
That Journey.
Stay the Path.