Jesus Wept.

I have this dear friend of mine named Emmy Belding. The funny thing is, is that we have never hung out once in our lives, besides an occasional hello as we sit near each other at Sunday mass, or quick gatherings outside of the church. She lost her mother to draconian cancer, and soon became face to face with suffering the loss of her mother and grieving joyfully, searching, going through the motions that grieving brings.
One of the greatest gifts in my life is the Eucharist. I cannot describe it to even begin to give Him justice, but Christ is alive in the Holy Host. The Eucharist, is intimate.--it allows the common person to be connected to any human being receiving the Eucharist in another part of the world, or even the person a pews behind you and in my case, Emmy. We become community. united. Its funny because I feel like Emmy is the only person that can understand the loss of self. She lost her mother, her co-creatorI(her mother, father and God) of her. I didn't lose my mother, but I lost myself. However, by slowly rebuilding my identity..going through those dark times, I found joy. love. grace. By facing those deepest quiet mourning of self, the wounds that I feel stole my joy. love. grace. have really only increased and deepened my joy.love.grace. I feel as though Emmy's and my connection through the Eucharist really gave me the opportunity to heal even more, deepen my understanding, and by her eagerness and openness to truth. a new way of living. a new type of love with out her mother, she was able to listen and soak up moments given to her.

I read one of her entry's about how the Holiday seasons were coming and she opened the chest that held all the decorations that her mother would so joyfully place all around the house. She shared her moment of tears, and I felt so moved and compelled to share with her the beauty of that moment of grief. It was definitely a Holy Spirit moment, where one sister to another was moved by grace of Christ and definitely the grace of her mother to share my thoughts with her.

Here is what Christ prompted me to share. May it bring you peace in your darkest moments.

After reading your latest entry this scripture popped into my head I knew I needed to share it with you.

Your latest entry was so moving.
john 11;1-45
There is this story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead

When Mary met Jesus she was grieving with strong emotion over her brother's death. The Jews with her were also weeping and mourning. Deeply moved by their grief, Jesus wept with them. Jesus then went to the tomb of Lazarus with Mary, Martha and the rest of the mourners. There he asked them to remove the stone that covered the hillside burial place. Jesus looked up to heaven and prayed to his Father, closing with these words: "Lazarus, come out!" When Lazarus came out of the tomb, Jesus told the people to remove his grave clothes.

Two things I love about this:
Jesus wept with them. It shares that the Lord has not looked past our sufferings and he suffers with us.

I love the fact that he told the people to remove his grave clothes. A people, a community. And his grave clothes that he was so wrapped up in are his wounds. Slowing, one by one, the peeling of his graves clothes he was set free and could move. He was alive. Anew.

Often, we want to keep close our wounds because the wounds have now become apart of who we are. It has become apart of our identity, but there are those days where the Lord attempts to release us from our bondage. Our bondage of our grief. He presents opportunities like the decorating of the house to present himself and gently heal us. For we are not known by our wounds, but by Christ healing power.

thank you for reminding me to let him into my wounds.

I love you, My child.

A very dear family friend shared this with me after reading my one of my post. I always need to remember that God is good, created me in his image and likeness, and seeks only good things for me, his daughter.


PERFECT LOVE:

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you're satisified and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

"I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.

"Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I have to show you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love.

"And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied."

Love. Looks. Back.

I heard this Lenten talk by one of my all time favorite priests. His name is Father Patrick and he just has a talented gift of sharing the Holy Scriptures, so that it comes alive, piercing the heart, and the scripture is no longer just words, but a story that is ever more real now as when it was in the past.
He shares the story of Mary Magdalene.
She was known to be one of Christ greatest lovers, while the other greatest lover was John. He tells the story of when when Christ was buried in the tomb, and all the apostles were too afraid to come out, She. She came bearing a gift. She hurried to the tomb to put ointment on his dead body. Father Patrick begins to describe the scripture as this: Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb to discover that Christ is not present. She weeps, turns around and looks to the Gardener*(Christ) and asking. In the gospel of Luke before proceeding to go tell the apostles, scripture says, But she looks back at the tomb.

Love looks back. We all have our own tomb, our own darkness, our own miseries, our own victories, our own joys, good memories, and bad memories, and lonely times.

Love looks back. Mary, she looked back to that tomb. I think I forget that Christ can be there in those scary and dark times, as well as those joyous times. The Love that an individual person has for Christ can look back at their own "personal tombs" Because honey, we allllllllll have them.
We have tombs where Christ is evermore present--equally present and alive as He is at His resurrection.

The Love that I have for Christ, helps me look back at my tomb to where Christ can heal us, move us, and tailor us.

So. Love. Love looks back.

So let me weep a bit.

One of the great things about the Catholic church is that there is constant change in seasons. There is the Ordinary time, which invites each one of us to focus on the daily life of Christ. Then there is advent which invites us to prepare our hearts, to be vigilant, to live in Love while we await the first coming of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Then there is Lent which invites to go to our Desert and wait, pray, and fast. Lent reminds us of His ultimate sacrifice and to unit our sufferings with his leaving an open heart to give our struggles to Him. Because in the end. We. or rather I know I can't live this life on my own.

There has been a lot of change in my life. And lets be real people. Miss Mary does not, and I repeat, DOES NOT do well with change. You see, I am a processor. I think a lot about the actions happening around me that affect me.

My brother John is getting married. MARRIED. Its probably one of the most painful thing happening at the moment. My feelings are silent. I want to rejoice, but its just too difficult and would rather hide because in a way I feel he is abandoning me. I like to say this often because it is so true.-I lost my brother, my best friend, and my roommate in a matter of three weeks. I just don't feel included anymore. He has a new best friend and I am not it anymore. That's a bit lonely.

In the Flynn family, my siblings are having babies, getting married, graduating college. And I'm. I am doing the same thing, at cabrillo for four years, moving back home, and yet to meet someone who reminds me of the St Joseph and my earthly Father.

So..I am processing. surrendering it to this season and asking, more like pleading, When Will It Be My Turn?