Imperfection.

There have been to many days lately where I have question why I suffer so deeply with this disease. There have been to many days where I am angry or frustrated with this inexhaustible disease. I am beginning to feel depleted and that opens my heart to a whole lot of ugliness. Ugly fear and ugly dignity. I am reminded too often of my old habits, my negative way of thinking and believing in myself, my negative way of thinking of the beauty that resides within my soul.
You know, I am proud of myself, I am proud of the knowledge that I have been given, the teachers that have held my hand, and they are proud of me. The see the success that I am, the example that I am, the leader that I have become. But I have portrayed this perfection in my disease that I once felt totally in control, loving myself, and believing in all that I can accomplish. But I have left no room for imperfection. I feel overwhelmed by this task of perfection. I am easily fearful to say that I can't do it, that I am tired, that my self worth is extremely low, that I feel the wind from the storm that is about to approach and I am scared. I am afraid of letting people down, of admitting that I am having a hard time, I am desperate to just be. To be me in the company of others. I feel lonely.

Lord, I give you this. I give you this pain. Answer me.

Dear Mud

Leave me alone.
Let me wash my face clean
Because I am swimming in a pool full of mud
And I can begin to feel is dry onto my fair skin
Its about to leave a stain.
Wash away mud of insecurities
Wash away lie that I will never be loved
Wash away lie that I will never graduate
Wash away lie that I will never be proud of something
Wash away laziness
Wash away the horrible self worth that resides in my heart
Wash away, let me break free, let me believe.

God is still not defeated.

The resurrection demonstrates powerfully that when men have done their worst, God is still not defeated. Our Lord’s death and resurrection mean that now he fills all things, all human space (see Eph 4: 10); he comes to meet us in the actual sinfulness of our human condition. This is surely a very consoling thought. The resurrection encourages us not to be afraid of what anyone can do to us: “With the Lord on my side, I do not fear: what can man do to me?” (Ps 118: 6). Even more reassuring is the thought that we need not be too afraid even of what we ourselves can do, to ourselves or to others. Even when we have done our worst, God is not defeated. Often we may be excruciatingly aware of how we have let other people down, how we have actively damaged then, hurt them, made it harder for them to love. Yet God is not defeated. It is not within our power finally to destroy anyone in that utter destruction which is damnation. And even the damage that we do to ourselves by sin need not have the last word. It is always open to us to turn to God in this life and see our sins swallowed up in the ocean of his love. This is, of course, not to say that our sins do not matter; but it is to free us from that crippling kind of anxiety which, more than anything else, prevents us from growing in true charity.

Father Simon Tugwell, O.P.

This.Is.The.Art.Of.Feeling.

Sometimes living in feelings is so much easier for me.
Because I know them. I know them so much more than
I know what I'm doing or where I am going.