Giving Him an Opportunity.

I think I've been pretty angry lately. And I think the anger is stemmed from my favorite companion: FEAR. Sense the sarcasm?

This past Friday was my appointment with my doctor. And the week building up to this appointment is always a hard week. It feels like another job, a mental job.

I have to be complete self aware.

In the Catholic church before going to confession this prayer called the examination of conscience and this examination takes the person through the 10 commandments and helps us reflect in areas where we have sinned. It is very help and humbling. And by the time I enter the confessional booth, I am very aware of areas of weakness and growth that need to be addressed and affirmed.

Going to to see Dr. G is like going to confession. I am a lot more excited about going to see him and talking to him then going to the confessional. There is something so beautiful about this man. I would say there have been 3 major spiritual Fathers in my life: John Paul 11, My own father, and Dr. G. They are each guiding me into a world where I can be the best me.

This hard week was filled with examination of my mental health. I think about this meeting. I think about what I need to talk about. I think about what I am afraid to talk about. Mostly, I want to appear that I am happy and life is so great! But, to take care of me and my lovely brain, I have to think about what is not great. How I would like to describe how I feel or what I feel like. I have to ask myself: How depressed have I been? One a scale number 1-10, 10 being the worst. Where there certain times in the day that I have been more depressed? What have I been eating? Have I been eating enough whole grains? Have I excersized enough? Have I had enough sunlight? Have I drank to much alcohol for the week or drinking too much caffine? These questions are easy to go through. I go through them everyday for the week prior to my appointment.

But the worst, the worst thing to address is how they make me feel. So much of depression is feeling. And most of the time I am ashamed of the things I feel. And usually the feeling comes from something I think of. And because the feeling is always conflicting my truest reality that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am okay, I am safe, I am loved.

The meeting I went to, I was selfish. I waited 50 minutes and I left. I left because I was impatient and I was getting mad. He was seeing someone before me and I knew that he would never make me wait if it wasn't important. It was a crisis.

I thought about myself and when I first met Dr G. He had a 3 hour meeting with me. I was in a crisis. A serious one. He was so tender and loving.
How unfair and human of me to be impatient and mad.

But, I walked away realizing that I am afraid. I need to trust him and life. I need to trust that God, who is my loving Father, has and will provide and protect me.

I just need to give him opportunities to show.