My whole life I have always been the girl that is fun and cool. I always have been the middle man for my guy friends to get to my girlfriends. I have always been the communicator. The one to forgive quickly and let things roll off. I thought thats what was good and made me, well, me. In the long run, 6 months shy of turning 25 I am finding that being just the fun and cool girl has brought insane amounts of insecurities in my life.
It frustrates me because the moment this fun and cool girl decides to feel something more, she is easily rejected. I mean, so easily rejected. You would think that after repeated times of rejection I would learn a lesson, but instead I am just livin in my life lessons and that has become suffocating. I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to be the fun and cool girl AND wanted. Wanted to stick around, to spend time with...etc.
This rejection hurts. I mean, so many times. seriously. and after so many times of giving myself in my full authenticity of friendship and honesty. My trust is running thin.
Perhaps its the difficulty that I am the only one in my family besides little joe that doesn't know what it means to be wanted or desired. My brother just got married after only dating the girl for a year. My sister Katie brought home her 3rd serious boyfriend and without a doubt they will get married. And then, its the 24 year girl who hasn't ever seen a good looking man in the pew at her church for the past ummm 4 years. It fucking sucks and yeah, I am a bit angry. And sure, of course the Lord has a plan, and being patient is a good thing. But I am human and I do have human insecurities.
I am going to rock it being the fun and cool girl and thats it.
And I am going to try to not live in life lessons.
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