But you Are my Bridegroom.

After my late night post a few days ago that sounded very dramatic, I thought I'd come back and share with you whats really on my mind.

I had a break through. A revelation. A wall crumble.

I am a processor. When I am given time and some serious dissecting of thoughts I eventually have this beautiful encounter with myself. Its like when the Spirit and flesh unite.

While walking with a great friend of mine we began talking about my history with men. AND..I do know however, I write about my longing to be loved and all that sappy bullshit, but at the core its not about a longing at all...

Its my walls. My Great Wall of China.

I have a disease. It will never ever go away. There will be nights that I can't sleep or that I have a fear that will tamper with my mood, my reality. I have an extremely sensitive heart and so it makes it hard for me to filter out the pointless emotion from the crucial and important emotions. There will be seasons where I will be depressed, have panic attacks, and not trust anyone. At age 24 I still at my darkest moment have to wake up my mom and dad and tell them I can't sleep. One of them comes down to my room and I cry and tell them my fears. Usually the first is, How am I going to survive this? I want to quit, I don't think I can fight this anymore...after a good panic cry and some anti anxiety medicine I calm down and go to sleep. The reality is that those moments will not go away. They will happen often and that scares me.

So when it comes to dating, the first two dates are decent, but in the back of my mind my wall is dissecting him and when I don't think he can go the distance I bail. And I bail most of the time. I usually pull the, "eh, your not Catholic" card, but through my year long processing and discovering what my struggle is, I have found it. I have yet to find someone with qualities that are Strong. Concrete. Passionate. Faithful. I know, your probably thinking, "you can't tell on 2 dates" , but my friends, I am constantly reminded of who I am and constantly aware that I need to take care of myself. I need someone who will go the distance because it will be hard. I have yet to meet someone I feel completely open sharing this joyous pain in my heart. Because besides the pain, it is joyful and I am so proud of myself. So proud of knowing who I am within this struggle.

The realization is a simple one. I am afraid that who I date or marry will quit half way. Afraid that I will be alone and misunderstood. Will he get up when I can't sleep and need to cry? Will I feel safe enough to share that with him.

BUT, it has been so FREEING. Freeing to fully understand yet another wall and to let it crumble(slowly of course!)

Thank you Jesus, for revealing your wisdom to me in your right timing.
I know I am difficult and have a hard time excepting your love.
But you are my Bridegroom.
For as a young man marries a virgin, S o shall your sons marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So shall your God rejoice over you.